Shifting How We Listen: A Critical Tool for Relationship-Building
/“I’m glad I understand that while language is a gift, listening is a responsibility.”
In my work helping principals to communicate with staff and families during times of crisis, I begin by focusing on building thriving relationships with staff. I have found that many principals have gotten to where they are in leadership because they are systems thinkers and excellent problem solvers–(many great principals are the ESTJ Myers-Briggs personality type, a.k.a “The Executive”). However, when leading your school community through turbulent times, it is important to differentiate between listening for problem solving and listening for relationship building.
I have observed many principals using listening for one primary purpose: problem solving. As they listen, their minds focus on finding, defining, and analyzing the speaker’s problem in order to help solve it.
Here’s the trouble: problem-solving alone does not develop strong relationships when the listener is only solution-oriented. Identifying effective solutions is what most leaders do well, but the key is to understand why you are listening. Don’t get me wrong-– the world needs problem-solvers, and I applaud leaders with this strong skill-set.
Yet, in order to build meaningful relationships, it is essential to listen as a fellow human being and colleague, and temporarily power down problem-solving mode.
As a leader you can use your listening as a way to earn teachers’ trust and to more holistically understand who they are and their motives. Instead of jumping to problem solve, here are ways to leverage an instance of a teacher or staff member coming to you as an opportunity to deepen the relationship and build trust.
Before helping your team member strategize or find a solution, consider:
Listening for Strengths: If a teacher comes to you sharing how they had confronted another teacher, who is a good performer but interpersonally acts arrogant and aggressive, instead of jumping in to help them strategize to resolve the conflict, you can first say: “I can really see the courage it took for you to take a stand and express how you felt about their actions.”
Listening for Values: If you are talking to a leader who is revamping curriculum initiatives, instead of immediately starting to solve the problem of underrepresentation in history books, you can say: “I really hear that you value telling the truth about marginalized people’s histories, and including role models for all students!"
Listening for Personal Emotional Connection: When the colleague above from (Listening for Strengths) is sharing their problem, it is important to be authentic and acknowledge their feelings of frustration or uncertainty. You might say: “This situation sounds really frustrating/tough/upsetting.” When the leader from the above example (Listening for Values) is sharing their new idea, rather than finding what’s wrong with it or talking about implementation challenges immediately, you can say: “That’s so exciting – I love when you share your creativity”
Leaders and teachers are working so hard amidst global, national, and local trauma. But, the most tangible issues you can address as a leader are interpersonal, and start with providing empathetic support!
